Ok now it feels like vacation

I just got back from an all-girls all-perfection day of fun. First of all, my hilarious friend Bridget is home for the holidays. We went to UCLA together, and she is too freaking funny for words. The girl deferred Harvard Law for two years and is now spending that "time off" at the London School of Economics. Shiza! But despite all the brainpower, she is literally pee-in-your-pants funny. And gets along with absolutely anyone and everyone. Her and I met up with my usual girl crew at the most obnoxious Orange County mall - Southcoast Plaza, and we terrorized that place for like 5 hours. It was awesomeness at its best. No one really bought anything, but we walked around, made fun of everything and everyone, and just had a generally incredible time. Happy holidays!

Oldy but goody

I don't know why, but I thought of this website tonight. It's been around forever, but the idea still makes me crack up. Check it out if you haven't yet.

Cats that look like Hitler

Booyah!

Haaaaaaaah! Such small things bring me so much joy sometimes. Let me back up for a moment. Jen and I live above a (and we're pretty sure of this) real life crack whore. She's got a different dude over there almost every week, and she goes into her garage (which is in a different building) in a bathrobe on a regular basis and shuts the garage door. We're positive she's doing drugs. We've had issues with this biotch and her spawn since we've moved in a year and a half ago. At one point they were having nightly screaming matches which consisted of him whining and crying, and her screaming at the top of her rotted out lungs that she "fucking hates" him, that he's a "fucking little bastard" (she's got a point there) and that he "has ruined her life." She allows him to have like 10 delinquent buddies over, and then screams at all of them to "get the f*&*ck out of my house" at 3am.

Anyways. After MULTIPLE complaints to the overpaid and incompetent management, they've gotten several stern talkings-to and letters. The latest info we have is that they've gotten their last warning - as in if we complain one more time they're getting evicted. I don't believe this will happen, as they've already gotten an eviction notice once, but then the bitch cried to the management about how she's a single mom and blah blah blah, the manager felt sorry for her but assured us that it was the last time. Since then, things are more quiet, but still not normal.

Which brings me to about 5 minutes ago. The little f*&*cker was screwing around with his buddies (it's almost midnight), throwing them into the walls and what-have-you, causing a general ruckus. I got fed up and went into Jen's room where I proceeded to jump up and down several times, making the floor (and their ceiling) shake. Hahahaha. Two seconds later the mom/crack whore started screaming at the little bastard to shut the hell up etc. Small victory for me. As I said, little things make me happy.

A bit Stepford, no?

If I had a "real" job, this is what I'd wear....

I'm shocked. Shocked and...oh who the eff am I kidding?

What's with the Spears-females ovaries? Or, more appropriately, uteri (plural of uterus?) Is there a birth control pill shortage in wherever the hell they are getting sperminated? Latex allergies? We know that ain't true for the bald one...
WTF is wrong with them?

And on a different note...enough with the gay porn ads on PerezHilton.com. I get it. You're gay. Congratulations. I'm over the gay porn. And straight porn for that matter.

Blog post #245 (today)

I'm often asked why my family left the Soviet Union. Exhibit D: these dolls, which are apparently Russian-made.

Writers strike = The Office withdrawals

For your viewing pleasure:

Domestic goddess I am not...

My friend Kristina, whom I haven't talked to since college blogged about her awesome Christmas present. Interestingly enough, I've been drooling over the exact same thing for ages...and will definitely ask for one as a wedding present. How freaking awesome are these???

I know you're all jealous

Justice Clarence Thomas is going to be at my law school today for a big event...and I get to meet him (hopefully). Yay! Keep watching for an update. On a different note, I L-O-V-E this Dryel home dry cleaning shiz that I got. It even "refreshed" my suit that I'm wearing to give J. Thomas his props later on! Thanks to Dryel, I will be smellin' F-R-E-S-H instead of N-A-S-T-Y. I'm sure the Secret Service will appreciate my efforts.

No comprende

Can someone explain to me what the BFD is with Dolce and Gabbana? I don't get it. To me, it's all atrocious, or skanky, or (most of the time) both. Exhibit A: does that look pretty to you? Classy? Stylish? Original? Anything positive at all?

The search continues

I just looked through about 1600 photos of wedding dresses. Not joking. And out of those, how many did I like? 2. And even those 2 were so-so. I'm walking down the isle nekkid. Which would probably be much appreciated.
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Can I just get married in this? It's on sale for $199!

...and I guess that's why they call it "the blues."

Maybe old Elton John wasn't the greatest idea right now. Blah. Now I'm all depressed. I feel like I cannot get out of this "finals period" which is over 3 weeks this semester. Good God! I like that I have time between finals but I just want them over, and they just keep going and going. Get me out of here!

I've been really good this deployment. I don't listen to sad music (unlike during bootcamp which was a baaaad idea). I try not to dwell. But some days are just blah. And J's team has been running a crazy schedule the last few days, so no calls, only one little email telling me not to worry etc. BLAH. I want a call damn it! Poor guys hasn't slept in days and I'm the one whining. Go figure.

Ahhhhh....

I don't really have anything to add.

Team Cayton update

J's company got new phones put in! Now instead of ONE per thousand (or howmanyever guys there are in a company) there are SEVERAL phones. And since his platoon is on night watch most of the time he gets to call! I'm so excited I could burst. It's weird hearing his voice on a regular basis now, it makes it seem like he's on a business trip or something. Like our lives are almost normal.

Bring back the assless chaps!

I really want to blog about this. So much to say. I am gathering my thoughts.....more to come later.
OK, I've thought about it, and as much as I want to give her props or whatever, I just can't do it. I don't like pregnant naked photos of ANYONE, not even "classy" ones if that's at all possible, which I don't think it is. But this one just looks awful. What the hell was she/her stylist/her publicist thinking??? Makeup has crossed the tranny line a long time ago, but whoever styled her for this atrocity should've toned it down. Naked +leather jacket = Jersey street walker. And the pose...that's what I'd imagine the hookers in the Red Light district windows look like when trying to sell their "goods." Nasty. I don't get it. Such a cute girl, very talented, seems to be very happy with a nice guy...why couldn't she just keep going in the classy direction she has been going in lately?

P.S. I also think women who breast feed in plain view in Vegas buffets should be scolded. True story.

P.P.S. I also find it extremely funny that this photo is framed by such headlines as "The busy girl's guide to a busy body," "I said no to sex and got sexier," "Tanning, bleaching, botoxing: Are you obsessed?" [which the Fug girls have already brilliantly pointed out] and, my personal favorite: "How I learned to love the mother I hated." Sweet irony.

Does this make me a bad person?

I feel really crappy about it, but also kind of gleeful. My friends and I saw Jennifer Love Hewitt at the pool at the Pasadena Ritz this past September. And we just could not get over how cute she looked - all glowy and perfect. Mind you, she was wearing track pants and a bikini top. I have a bit of a celebrity obsession, and like every other girl I know, I compare myself to people whose job it is to be gorgeous. Lame. So.....imagine my ill-placed glee when pictures of JLoveHew surfaced this week...pics of her with a huge amount of cellulite! I will not post those here, because that would be tacky. And I feel bad for feeling smug....but it also feels good to be reminded that most people are not perfect, even those that you think are. According to the story accompanying the photos, she just got engaged to her boyfriend. So congrats to JLove! And I'm sorry I'm an asshat.

Weekend

Vegas. With the parents. And the aunt and uncle. Good times. Lots of buffets and junk food/cigarettes/not so much alcohol.
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This is for you. The Barbie-looking drunk chick that sat behind me at the Cirque du Soleil Beatles show with her guido-looking boyfriend. Have some freaking class and shut the F*CK UP when you're in a theater! The tickets are $140 and I did not pay that money to hear YOUR drunken tirades about how much you just loooove the Beatles. I do not want to hear your commentary of every costume and musical selection. And yes, I was serious when I turned around mid-show and told you to keep it down. Don't look so shocked and appalled. You're lucky I didn't have your skanky-nasty-bleached blond-entire Mac counter makeup wearing ass thrown out for being obnoxious. I was very close.
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The Beatles Cirque du Soleil show: kinda lame! It was pretty and all, the stage production was amazing (as all Cirque setups are). But it was in no way worth $140 per freaking ticket. It was basically glorified dancing to Beatles songs. Not much "cirque" at all - maybe a couple of rope climbers here and there. Overall disappointment. I wanted to see all the cool circus stuff the other Cirque shows have... but apparently they were going for the kitsch mass appeal factor. Just another reason to have a ridiculous gift shop with overpriced Yellow Submarine boxer shorts. LAME. John Lennon is turning over in his grave.

It's all fun and games until someone starts foaming at the mouth

So today, on happy happy Turkey day, I went to Jonathan's aunt's house where I met up with with my future in laws and assorted family members. My parents are driving to Vegas tomorrow morning, where I will meet them. Aunt Ida's is always fun and pretty much insane. There are always like 50 people over there, and tons of food, and kids, and dogs and lots and lots of wine and Smirnoff Ice (YES). Usually, it's the same people that I always expect, but this time someone's aunt/sister/something or other was there with her husband. During the end of the night, we were trying to fit the entire bunch of people into one picture to send to Jonathan...we were laughing about how difficult it was to fit everyone in etc. when the aunt/sister/something or other had a seizure! Like full on foam at the mouth, turning blue, speaking tongues! The ambulance came, she was taken to the hospital and I'm hoping all is well. How random is that? I feel really bad for the poor lady, and I'm probably going straight to hell for thinking that (1) the situation is semi-ridiculous thus morbidly amusing and (2) thank ___ that it wasn't one of the people I've come to know so well. Having said that...I'm going to go pack. I hear hell is hot this time of year.
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When I got home from the turkey orgy, I ate an entire bag of Pepperidge Farm snickerdoodles. And then I promptly decided that I need to get back on the work out horse before I become one of those girls who hides family size packs of Oreos in the closet and eats them when no one is looking late at night while listening to some love-yourself Alicia Keys ballad. I've been meaning to start doing yoga again for a while, and now is as good time as any. So I did a full 45 min workout...it felt amazing, as yoga always does. Let's see how long I can keep this up.
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Jon wrote me 2 emails on Tuesday, and then he...called! Like an actual phone conversation! I won't go into all the gloriously mushy details, but he's doing well, they're relatively safe etc. It was so good to have an actual conversation with him where we laughed about stuff, and talked about the news/movies etc. That was only my 3rd phone call in 3 months...and as much as I love my very frequent email contact there's nothing like hearing his voice. I love that man.

More dresses

Say a little prayer for me...

Tomorrow is the day of my final trial in Trial Practice class. I've been working on it nonstop and have now come to the conclusion that it is hopeless. The fact pattern is just confusing, and full of unexpected pitfalls. Oh well, I'm just glad that it will be over tomorrow night. Oh yeah, and I have not written my closing argument yet. I plan on getting up early and starting with a fresh mind. Riiiight.