Ok now it feels like vacation

I just got back from an all-girls all-perfection day of fun. First of all, my hilarious friend Bridget is home for the holidays. We went to UCLA together, and she is too freaking funny for words. The girl deferred Harvard Law for two years and is now spending that "time off" at the London School of Economics. Shiza! But despite all the brainpower, she is literally pee-in-your-pants funny. And gets along with absolutely anyone and everyone. Her and I met up with my usual girl crew at the most obnoxious Orange County mall - Southcoast Plaza, and we terrorized that place for like 5 hours. It was awesomeness at its best. No one really bought anything, but we walked around, made fun of everything and everyone, and just had a generally incredible time. Happy holidays!

Oldy but goody

I don't know why, but I thought of this website tonight. It's been around forever, but the idea still makes me crack up. Check it out if you haven't yet.

Cats that look like Hitler

Booyah!

Haaaaaaaah! Such small things bring me so much joy sometimes. Let me back up for a moment. Jen and I live above a (and we're pretty sure of this) real life crack whore. She's got a different dude over there almost every week, and she goes into her garage (which is in a different building) in a bathrobe on a regular basis and shuts the garage door. We're positive she's doing drugs. We've had issues with this biotch and her spawn since we've moved in a year and a half ago. At one point they were having nightly screaming matches which consisted of him whining and crying, and her screaming at the top of her rotted out lungs that she "fucking hates" him, that he's a "fucking little bastard" (she's got a point there) and that he "has ruined her life." She allows him to have like 10 delinquent buddies over, and then screams at all of them to "get the f*&*ck out of my house" at 3am.

Anyways. After MULTIPLE complaints to the overpaid and incompetent management, they've gotten several stern talkings-to and letters. The latest info we have is that they've gotten their last warning - as in if we complain one more time they're getting evicted. I don't believe this will happen, as they've already gotten an eviction notice once, but then the bitch cried to the management about how she's a single mom and blah blah blah, the manager felt sorry for her but assured us that it was the last time. Since then, things are more quiet, but still not normal.

Which brings me to about 5 minutes ago. The little f*&*cker was screwing around with his buddies (it's almost midnight), throwing them into the walls and what-have-you, causing a general ruckus. I got fed up and went into Jen's room where I proceeded to jump up and down several times, making the floor (and their ceiling) shake. Hahahaha. Two seconds later the mom/crack whore started screaming at the little bastard to shut the hell up etc. Small victory for me. As I said, little things make me happy.

A bit Stepford, no?

If I had a "real" job, this is what I'd wear....

I'm shocked. Shocked and...oh who the eff am I kidding?

What's with the Spears-females ovaries? Or, more appropriately, uteri (plural of uterus?) Is there a birth control pill shortage in wherever the hell they are getting sperminated? Latex allergies? We know that ain't true for the bald one...
WTF is wrong with them?

And on a different note...enough with the gay porn ads on PerezHilton.com. I get it. You're gay. Congratulations. I'm over the gay porn. And straight porn for that matter.

Blog post #245 (today)

I'm often asked why my family left the Soviet Union. Exhibit D: these dolls, which are apparently Russian-made.

Writers strike = The Office withdrawals

For your viewing pleasure:

Domestic goddess I am not...

My friend Kristina, whom I haven't talked to since college blogged about her awesome Christmas present. Interestingly enough, I've been drooling over the exact same thing for ages...and will definitely ask for one as a wedding present. How freaking awesome are these???

I know you're all jealous

Justice Clarence Thomas is going to be at my law school today for a big event...and I get to meet him (hopefully). Yay! Keep watching for an update. On a different note, I L-O-V-E this Dryel home dry cleaning shiz that I got. It even "refreshed" my suit that I'm wearing to give J. Thomas his props later on! Thanks to Dryel, I will be smellin' F-R-E-S-H instead of N-A-S-T-Y. I'm sure the Secret Service will appreciate my efforts.

No comprende

Can someone explain to me what the BFD is with Dolce and Gabbana? I don't get it. To me, it's all atrocious, or skanky, or (most of the time) both. Exhibit A: does that look pretty to you? Classy? Stylish? Original? Anything positive at all?

The search continues

I just looked through about 1600 photos of wedding dresses. Not joking. And out of those, how many did I like? 2. And even those 2 were so-so. I'm walking down the isle nekkid. Which would probably be much appreciated.
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Can I just get married in this? It's on sale for $199!

...and I guess that's why they call it "the blues."

Maybe old Elton John wasn't the greatest idea right now. Blah. Now I'm all depressed. I feel like I cannot get out of this "finals period" which is over 3 weeks this semester. Good God! I like that I have time between finals but I just want them over, and they just keep going and going. Get me out of here!

I've been really good this deployment. I don't listen to sad music (unlike during bootcamp which was a baaaad idea). I try not to dwell. But some days are just blah. And J's team has been running a crazy schedule the last few days, so no calls, only one little email telling me not to worry etc. BLAH. I want a call damn it! Poor guys hasn't slept in days and I'm the one whining. Go figure.

Ahhhhh....

I don't really have anything to add.

Team Cayton update

J's company got new phones put in! Now instead of ONE per thousand (or howmanyever guys there are in a company) there are SEVERAL phones. And since his platoon is on night watch most of the time he gets to call! I'm so excited I could burst. It's weird hearing his voice on a regular basis now, it makes it seem like he's on a business trip or something. Like our lives are almost normal.

Bring back the assless chaps!

I really want to blog about this. So much to say. I am gathering my thoughts.....more to come later.
OK, I've thought about it, and as much as I want to give her props or whatever, I just can't do it. I don't like pregnant naked photos of ANYONE, not even "classy" ones if that's at all possible, which I don't think it is. But this one just looks awful. What the hell was she/her stylist/her publicist thinking??? Makeup has crossed the tranny line a long time ago, but whoever styled her for this atrocity should've toned it down. Naked +leather jacket = Jersey street walker. And the pose...that's what I'd imagine the hookers in the Red Light district windows look like when trying to sell their "goods." Nasty. I don't get it. Such a cute girl, very talented, seems to be very happy with a nice guy...why couldn't she just keep going in the classy direction she has been going in lately?

P.S. I also think women who breast feed in plain view in Vegas buffets should be scolded. True story.

P.P.S. I also find it extremely funny that this photo is framed by such headlines as "The busy girl's guide to a busy body," "I said no to sex and got sexier," "Tanning, bleaching, botoxing: Are you obsessed?" [which the Fug girls have already brilliantly pointed out] and, my personal favorite: "How I learned to love the mother I hated." Sweet irony.

Does this make me a bad person?

I feel really crappy about it, but also kind of gleeful. My friends and I saw Jennifer Love Hewitt at the pool at the Pasadena Ritz this past September. And we just could not get over how cute she looked - all glowy and perfect. Mind you, she was wearing track pants and a bikini top. I have a bit of a celebrity obsession, and like every other girl I know, I compare myself to people whose job it is to be gorgeous. Lame. So.....imagine my ill-placed glee when pictures of JLoveHew surfaced this week...pics of her with a huge amount of cellulite! I will not post those here, because that would be tacky. And I feel bad for feeling smug....but it also feels good to be reminded that most people are not perfect, even those that you think are. According to the story accompanying the photos, she just got engaged to her boyfriend. So congrats to JLove! And I'm sorry I'm an asshat.

Weekend

Vegas. With the parents. And the aunt and uncle. Good times. Lots of buffets and junk food/cigarettes/not so much alcohol.
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This is for you. The Barbie-looking drunk chick that sat behind me at the Cirque du Soleil Beatles show with her guido-looking boyfriend. Have some freaking class and shut the F*CK UP when you're in a theater! The tickets are $140 and I did not pay that money to hear YOUR drunken tirades about how much you just loooove the Beatles. I do not want to hear your commentary of every costume and musical selection. And yes, I was serious when I turned around mid-show and told you to keep it down. Don't look so shocked and appalled. You're lucky I didn't have your skanky-nasty-bleached blond-entire Mac counter makeup wearing ass thrown out for being obnoxious. I was very close.
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The Beatles Cirque du Soleil show: kinda lame! It was pretty and all, the stage production was amazing (as all Cirque setups are). But it was in no way worth $140 per freaking ticket. It was basically glorified dancing to Beatles songs. Not much "cirque" at all - maybe a couple of rope climbers here and there. Overall disappointment. I wanted to see all the cool circus stuff the other Cirque shows have... but apparently they were going for the kitsch mass appeal factor. Just another reason to have a ridiculous gift shop with overpriced Yellow Submarine boxer shorts. LAME. John Lennon is turning over in his grave.

It's all fun and games until someone starts foaming at the mouth

So today, on happy happy Turkey day, I went to Jonathan's aunt's house where I met up with with my future in laws and assorted family members. My parents are driving to Vegas tomorrow morning, where I will meet them. Aunt Ida's is always fun and pretty much insane. There are always like 50 people over there, and tons of food, and kids, and dogs and lots and lots of wine and Smirnoff Ice (YES). Usually, it's the same people that I always expect, but this time someone's aunt/sister/something or other was there with her husband. During the end of the night, we were trying to fit the entire bunch of people into one picture to send to Jonathan...we were laughing about how difficult it was to fit everyone in etc. when the aunt/sister/something or other had a seizure! Like full on foam at the mouth, turning blue, speaking tongues! The ambulance came, she was taken to the hospital and I'm hoping all is well. How random is that? I feel really bad for the poor lady, and I'm probably going straight to hell for thinking that (1) the situation is semi-ridiculous thus morbidly amusing and (2) thank ___ that it wasn't one of the people I've come to know so well. Having said that...I'm going to go pack. I hear hell is hot this time of year.
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When I got home from the turkey orgy, I ate an entire bag of Pepperidge Farm snickerdoodles. And then I promptly decided that I need to get back on the work out horse before I become one of those girls who hides family size packs of Oreos in the closet and eats them when no one is looking late at night while listening to some love-yourself Alicia Keys ballad. I've been meaning to start doing yoga again for a while, and now is as good time as any. So I did a full 45 min workout...it felt amazing, as yoga always does. Let's see how long I can keep this up.
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Jon wrote me 2 emails on Tuesday, and then he...called! Like an actual phone conversation! I won't go into all the gloriously mushy details, but he's doing well, they're relatively safe etc. It was so good to have an actual conversation with him where we laughed about stuff, and talked about the news/movies etc. That was only my 3rd phone call in 3 months...and as much as I love my very frequent email contact there's nothing like hearing his voice. I love that man.

More dresses

Say a little prayer for me...

Tomorrow is the day of my final trial in Trial Practice class. I've been working on it nonstop and have now come to the conclusion that it is hopeless. The fact pattern is just confusing, and full of unexpected pitfalls. Oh well, I'm just glad that it will be over tomorrow night. Oh yeah, and I have not written my closing argument yet. I plan on getting up early and starting with a fresh mind. Riiiight.

If I had a million dollars (actually a million is not enough)

Why can't I have a life where I can wear this? John Galliano Spring '08.Or this? John Galliano for Christian Dior Spring '08.
And how cute is this? Dior fine jewelry.

MJ

I love MJ. No, not Michael Jackson, not Mary Jane from Spiderman, and not even Michael Jordan. I love Marc Jacobs. There, I said it. I'm a Marc Jacobs consumer whore. I am one of those people who would buy almost everything he makes, yet at this point I can only afford the occasional accessory and/or clearance item. But I still drool. And Marc Jacobs perfume is now officially the only scent I have bought more than once, and will probably continue to repurchase. Above are some pics from the Marc by Marc Jacobs Spring 2008 line (photos by Marcio Madeira). Love it. But I do not love the grown up ready-to-wear line at all! Oh well, even MJ can have a "miss" season. I'm sure all the fashion editors really care what my opinion is of clothing that I will never ever be able to afford. But I still do not love it, and thought I would share my dislike here. I get that the clothes will look different in the stores, and I can usually "get" the concept and see what it will look like on normal people (OK, on normal celebrities). But this time I just don't see it. It looks like beat up Chanel. And Karl Lagerfeld already does beat up Chanel. I think Marc went crazy with that one. Some of it was almost pretty, but just blah.
I still love him though, and you can read more about him here, in the recent New York Times article.

Early wedding present?

I am totally asking for this menorah when I register for presents. And it's Jonathan Adler. And I don't care if he's "too commercial" or whatever. I love it. And I have no need to be all "indie" about my purchases. I can like something because it's pretty. So there. And then I will explain to my kids why we have both Hanukkah and Christmas. As soon as I figure out what the -bleep- to say. Any suggestions?

No title

This is about that time of the year where my posts are going to start having a LOT of swearing in it. Or at least I'll be thinking a lot more swear words in my head when I'm typing them. Lets see here. We have finals in about 2 weeks. I have a trial on Monday I have yet to prep for, a law journal assignment due tomorrow, and several classes to cram for. One of such classes happens to be something I have yet to read for. Do you think it's too late? Yeah, me too.
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Our freaking DVR (it's like a Tivo) has been freaking out lately. If spazzed out last week and didn't record The Office, for which I will never forgive it. It also didn't record Gray's Anatomy, which was somewhat less sad. Today, it decided on a repeat performance and refused to record anything at all. In fact it refused to work. So now we just have regular TV. We get all the channels, but you can't switch between them by clicking around on the remote. Maybe it's the cable? Or a combination of the two? In either case this needs to get resolved. NOW.
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Thanksgiving is next week, and I've already been pigging out on pumpkin pie at every opportunity I get. Mmmmmm. This is the second year in a row when J's not going to be home for the holidays. And as much as it sucks for me, it will really suck for him, poor guy. They've promised him a Thanksgiving meal, and I'm pretty sure they will deliver, as long as his team isn't out on a mission at that exact time. Last year on Thanksgiving he got one of his only phone calls (the other one being Christmas) and he was so hoarse that I didn't recognize him at first. Plus we were both crying hysterically. Hopefully this year will be a bit better.

When he called me on Christmas day, I was home with the parents. My mom was very shocked by the fact that he called ME, and not his mom. I thought that was very funny because to me it was not shocking at all. I think that was when my parents finally realized how serious things have gotten. A lot of things happen in a year.

He's still waiting for the phones to be put in. They've been deployed for almost 3 months, and phone access is still miserable. Thank God for the Internet (I guess the entity I should really be thanking is Al Gore. Thank you Mr. Gore).
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My parents are going to Vegas the day after Thanksgiving. I am joining them for a couple of days, finals prep be damned. I will justify this by listening to my 10 hours of Wills and Trusts audio CDs, which will hopefully teach me Wills and Trusts. Yay me.

#$*&@*&!!!!

Next semester will be my last school semester EVER. So naturally, I've been plotting to take it easy - have a few days a week off, take interesting yet easy classes. I had it all planned out, and amazingly the school schedule was cooperating. Today, a few hours before registration was to begin, the bastards switched a class that was fitting into my schedule perfectly and moved it to entirely different days!!!! Now I have to scramble to find classes, take stuff I do not want to take, etc. Who the *$%@ does that??? They couldn't figure out what days the classes were to be on BEFORE the day of registration??? Life sucks. And then you have to register for classes.

Victory is mine!

This weekend, I've began to slowly replenish my closet...it's been very sad since I've cleaned it out. Here are my weekend finds.

Are you bored? Lonely? Sadistic? Try these awesome cat-a-pults. Or how about throwing some baby showers?

I actually liked something on sale...weird!

I cleaned out my closet about 2 weeks ago. And I mean CLEANED. Like there's nothing in there except empty space. I decided that I'm too old to own things I do not like, or have not worn in years. Hence the emptiness. I also decided that I will not buy things unless I absolutely love them. I will not buy stuff just because I want something new. I will not buy stuff just because it's cheap. I will buy stuff that I really like and will gladly wear. Only problem is that stuff I really like is also stuff I cannot afford. Which is why the closet is still empty - I've held up and not bought anything mediocre just because I need clothes. While at Target today buying printer ink and assorted odds and ends for a care package for Jonathan, I spotted the Alice Temperley rack. On which everything was on clearance - they're getting ready for Erin Featherston (I think). The only thing I liked is this dress....which was $27! And it fit...and it looks like Marc Jacobs (whom I love but definitely could not afford). Needless to say, it's mine :-)

Good thing I'm not an environmentalist

My dad has always said that I single-handedly keep printers in business. I think he's right. I spend so much freaking money on magazines that it's kind of sick. And I keep telling myself that I'll subscribe, saving myself tons of money, because who am I kidding - I'll still need my magazine fix. Exhibit A - my Barnes and Noble rampage today. But I am researching the cheapest subscriptions tonight. There are websites where you can get one for like $5-10 per year...I've done it before, and I'm about to do it again. The insanity stops NOW.

FYI - This is what I got:

1. US Weekly
2. Shop Smart (I'm pretty sure they won't be suggesting not buying magazines)
3. Self (because I have to get in shape for a wedding, and reading Self gets me motivated for at least one workout...small price to pay)
4. Weight Watchers (see above...this makes me not eat blocks of cheese for about 2 days)
5. Blueprint (Martha Steward publication...she bugs me)
6. Body + Soul (MS again)
7. Martha Stewart Weddings
8. Domino (love love love)

Update: I did it! I got literally probably 15 magazines...one year subscriptions...all for waaay under $100. Money well spent. If you wanna know how I did it ask me, I'll edumacate you.

Make up love

I just got the Urban Decay Eyeshadow Primer Potion at Sephora (which I really should not be allowed to enter. EVER.) and so far....I LOVE! Put it on this morning, it dries clear, unlike the Laura Mercier stuff I've been previously using, and my shadow stayed on for literally 12 hours. Sure, there was a bit of fading, but it basically did not budge! Just thought I'd share :-)

I'm sorry...whaaaaa????

So Shia Labeouf has been arrested for refusing to leave a Walgreens at around 2:30 am. Apparently a security guard at a downtown Chicago Walgreens thought that Shia was acting intoxicated, and asked him to leave. Shia said "hells no" and the security guard called the cops. Now, I'm all for law and order, you know that. And ordinarily I'd be all for arresting peeps. But....it's 2:30 am on a weekend. Downtown. 24 hour Walgreens. Isn't everyone in there "intoxicated" in one form or another? Isn't that why they have 24 hour Walgreens? So crack heads and such can get their cheese-whiz and/or baby powder? The security guard thought it was inappropriate for a drunk to be in the store? Don't create an establishment and then kick out the clientele for which said establishment is created. DUH.

More overpriced gorgeousness...

Hello, my name is Helen, and I'm a pink peony addict.

In my effort to at least figure out what type of stuff I want for the wedding, I've been rummaging around the web...and found some beautiful flowers. Then I looked up how much flowers cost, and of course the peonies that I so love are some of the most expensive flowers out there. Go figure! I still love them though...and I'd rather have a single bloom per table of flowers I love, than a bunch that I semi-tolerate. I'm fancy like that!

Yum!

I think I'm in love. Time for a fund raiser! Anybody interested in a perfectly good kidney? How about a decent liver? I'm not selling my lungs, just b/c I don't want to get sued later!

Doomsday

Sooooo tomorrow morning is the MPRE. The Model Professional Responsibility Exam. For those of you who have not had the privilege of attending law school, it's just another hoop we have to jump through to be able to practice law, and at least this one costs less than $100 to take, unlike pretty much everything else that is even remotely related to law school. I have to get up at an ungodly hour to make the trek to downtown LA and be ready to "test" at 9am. URGHH. Why there are zero testing facilities in Orange County is beyond me. Pray that I pass, so that I won't have to retake it in March!

i AM staying busy!!!!

If I hear one more person tell me to "just stay busy" right now I'm going to scream. I'm freaking busy enough, thank you very much. Sometime empty words really do mean nothing.

What not to wear if you don't want your daughter's friends calling her mommy a slut

I love Kate Beckinsale, I do. Ok, that's a lie. Jonathan loves Kate Beckinsale, I just think she's cute....and I'm just secretly glad he's not into someone like Pam Anderson. Or Jessica Simpson. Or Paris Hilton. Anyways...why oh why would you wear this trick-or-tricking with your kid??? Red pleather? Over-the-knee go go boots? Why Kate why???

This would NEVER happen...

Now this is my worst nightmare. If anyone expects me to look this way they will be sorely disappointed.

Wedding planning

As y'all know (my future family-in-law is psedo-southern, so I gotta get into the linguistic groove), I've recently been proposed to. And then promptly left to plan "the damn wedding" all by my lonesome. I'm not trying to be unromantic, that is literally what my adorable husband-to-be called our future nuptuals - "the damn wedding." Now anyone who knows Jonathan will instantly recognize that it's just his endearing way of speaking, and that he does not mean it in any negative way. But the words have been used, and now they've stuck. So "the damn wedding" it is.

I think it is also quite adorable that he thinks I'll have the entire thing planned by the time he gets back from Iraq in March. HA! Don't get me wrong, I like weddings, and planning, and pretty, fluffy things as much as the next girl, but I am also one of the most indecisive people you'll ever meet. So deciding, once and for all, what colors we'll use, what type of food to serve etc. is terrifying to me. I also sort of don't feel like the upcoming wedding is real, since Jon's not here to plan it with me. I know, I know, play the world's smallest violin for me....but it's the truth, and I have to get over it somewhat soon since we're getting married in the late summer/early fall. So watch for a lot of wedding extravaganza planning melt downs. Should be fun for the entire family.

Hellooooooooooooo

It seems like everyone is getting in on the blogging action. Well, to be more accurate, everyone has already gotten on the blogging action. I'm a dying breed. But we'll see how it works out - I may bore myself to death, or I may surprise myself. What I do know is that blogging takes discipline, which I've been very much lacking lately. So maybe this will force me to have just a bit of structure and accountability. Hah!